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Forums > CSDb Discussions > The Phantom is an IDIOT.
2019-09-01 07:53
The Phantom

Registered: Jan 2004
Posts: 358
The Phantom is an IDIOT.

Hey everyone...

I want you all to know how stupid I am, most of you already know, but a lot don't.

I am bi-polar with an explosive personality disorder. What this means is the most stupid thing said to me, can be taken the wrong way, and in my mind, often gets misconstrued into something far beyond. It has nothing to do with any of you, just how my mind works a simple sentence into 20 different viewpoints, and they always lead me into trouble.

I've deleted a lot of you from my friends list on facebook, and for that, I am so sorry.

Lately, I've been feeling a lot of hatred towards social media, and maybe it's because it lacks that human element. People sharing an image shared by thousands to express a simple point that could have easily been said in a sentence of text.. It's like, no originality exists when using social media, a total lack of your voice, if you will.

I have also been very depressed these last few years, and while that is no excuse for my actions, it does play a part, especially with what I just said about it.

One of the things I totally dislike, and have always disliked about being bi-polar, is the constant apologizing. THAT alone has helped me in the past about my condition, and lately, I've been horribly stressed, depressed and whatever else you can toss into that mix. It really does suck, and if you don't believe me, it is the main reason WHY I have no children. I cannot pass this suffering on, and after a certain age, it is guaranteed your child will be like you.

I have known of my condition since I was 24 years old. I am now 51. I knew something was wrong with me when I was in my teens, but never placed it, never figured it out.

It is both a curse and a gift though. The gift part comes when people leave you alone in fear of you snapping on them. The curse is everything else I said.

I am just trying to make you all understand who I am, and what a nightmare my life has been dealing with this. Of course, top all that off with my cancer and man.. It's been a hard life for me, one I wish I had more direction. My father showed no signs of this "disease", but both my brothers (diagnosed with the same afflictions) have it, but both my sisters were not touched with it.

My mother also showed no signs. It was a gift from my father though, as it runs through his family, not with my mothers.

So when I was 24 or 25, I decided to not have children. Had I had them at that age, they might not have inherited "the gift", but I didn't know any better, and wasn't informed as I am now. Should I have one now, yep. Doomed.

Anyway. I'm dragging this on.

I simply wanted to let you all know I will friend you again on facebook, should any of you want it.


Thank you for reading this, and thank you for not making a big deal of it.
... 4 posts hidden. Click here to view all posts....
2019-09-01 23:24

Registered: Apr 2008
Posts: 40
I can feel you, for many reasons and in many levels. For some people life seem to be constant shit and it is nowhere proven that it will ever get any easier, with new troubles piling up faster than old ones can be solved, and only options are to keep living it anyway or to just give up. It is hope for something better, even just a short moment of brightness in the middle of all the darkness, that keeps us going on instead of just dropping a mic. Stay strong, mate, and all the best.
2019-09-02 00:09

Registered: Apr 2002
Posts: 236
Eric man, it takes a lot of courage to lay yourself bare to the world like that. You'll always have a friend here.
2019-09-02 00:49
Burning Horizon

Registered: Jan 2002
Posts: 3
Hey Eric,
It pains me to read all of this, but it explains a lot, so please don't apologize! Thanks for being brave and hanging in there for us, we all appreciate it. As Six says above, you have a friend here too - you have a lot of friends.
Take care man,
2019-09-02 00:59

Registered: Feb 2002
Posts: 1136
Thanks for sharing, it had to take serious guts!

Paraphrasing Deicide, "we all are mentally unstable, and that gives us our sound"

I'd be more suspicious of anyone who would claim to be totally stable, especially when continuing to tinker with an old machine like the C64 :)
2019-09-02 10:19

Registered: Aug 2005
Posts: 62
Wish you all the best!
2019-09-02 11:30

Registered: Nov 2002
Posts: 967
Stay strong, m8! You'll always be greeted in my intros :)
2019-09-02 17:27

Registered: Apr 2002
Posts: 181
Powerful to express oneself about one's life and downsides!

Be clear-sighted and make sure every moment is the best thing that has ever happened.

Don't compare yourself to others and don't put so much effort into how you think others see you.
Don’t be afraid. Don’t think of how you wish for a career or leave an imprint and something else.
Let go of the affects.

Be yourself and it will go far longer than you dare to believe!
Each day is imprint on not only memory but every other person you meet.
Each meeting a imprint, all colorful.

It is the utter most important moment everyone can look forward to – every day.
2019-09-03 21:22

Registered: Apr 2002
Posts: 4609
see, csdb is a community and not a friggin DB :P

<3 for Phantom.
2019-09-03 22:36

Registered: Feb 2003
Posts: 441
keep strong Ze Phantom! I'm the king of all idiots, so you are not alone dude.
besides the sad things you wrote it was cool to read about your cat who saved your life. let's make a demo about it, ehmm... :)
2019-09-05 10:24

Registered: Jan 2011
Posts: 7
Thanks for sharing. <3
(Btw my fiancee is bipolar, so to some extent I know where you're coming from.)
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