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Forums > CSDb Discussions > The Phantom is an IDIOT.
2019-09-01 07:53
The Phantom

Registered: Jan 2004
Posts: 357
The Phantom is an IDIOT.

Hey everyone...

I want you all to know how stupid I am, most of you already know, but a lot don't.

I am bi-polar with an explosive personality disorder. What this means is the most stupid thing said to me, can be taken the wrong way, and in my mind, often gets misconstrued into something far beyond. It has nothing to do with any of you, just how my mind works a simple sentence into 20 different viewpoints, and they always lead me into trouble.

I've deleted a lot of you from my friends list on facebook, and for that, I am so sorry.

Lately, I've been feeling a lot of hatred towards social media, and maybe it's because it lacks that human element. People sharing an image shared by thousands to express a simple point that could have easily been said in a sentence of text.. It's like, no originality exists when using social media, a total lack of your voice, if you will.

I have also been very depressed these last few years, and while that is no excuse for my actions, it does play a part, especially with what I just said about it.

One of the things I totally dislike, and have always disliked about being bi-polar, is the constant apologizing. THAT alone has helped me in the past about my condition, and lately, I've been horribly stressed, depressed and whatever else you can toss into that mix. It really does suck, and if you don't believe me, it is the main reason WHY I have no children. I cannot pass this suffering on, and after a certain age, it is guaranteed your child will be like you.

I have known of my condition since I was 24 years old. I am now 51. I knew something was wrong with me when I was in my teens, but never placed it, never figured it out.

It is both a curse and a gift though. The gift part comes when people leave you alone in fear of you snapping on them. The curse is everything else I said.

I am just trying to make you all understand who I am, and what a nightmare my life has been dealing with this. Of course, top all that off with my cancer and man.. It's been a hard life for me, one I wish I had more direction. My father showed no signs of this "disease", but both my brothers (diagnosed with the same afflictions) have it, but both my sisters were not touched with it.

My mother also showed no signs. It was a gift from my father though, as it runs through his family, not with my mothers.

So when I was 24 or 25, I decided to not have children. Had I had them at that age, they might not have inherited "the gift", but I didn't know any better, and wasn't informed as I am now. Should I have one now, yep. Doomed.

Anyway. I'm dragging this on.

I simply wanted to let you all know I will friend you again on facebook, should any of you want it.

https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1568933723

Thank you for reading this, and thank you for not making a big deal of it.
2019-09-01 09:49
bugjam

Registered: Apr 2003
Posts: 1789
Thanks for your openness, and all the best!
2019-09-01 11:32
Shine

Registered: Jul 2012
Posts: 251
Hey Eric,

your post really touched me very much!
I really hope you get better times more and more.

My friend, be strong and enjoy every positive moment in your life.

Bro-Hugs <3
Andy AKA Shine

EDIT: You are not an idiot at all! You are a very fine human with a lot of nice feelings!
2019-09-01 20:06
Mace

Registered: May 2002
Posts: 1781
Thanks for sharing!
I admire how you're dealing with the tough decisions you have to make.
2019-09-01 22:34
The Phantom

Registered: Jan 2004
Posts: 357
Thank you.

What I failed to mention is I cannot hold a "normal" job. Far too many times has a supervisor yelled at me, and I just quit right there.
I am a contractor, pick the work I want to do. Doesn't pay all that well, but it's something, keeps my cat fed anyway.
I've always hated the expression "Jack of all trades". Throughout my life, you gain that experience. I can build a house, complete with electric, water.. Everything.
Today, I mostly do security camera installs for DTT (now known as DTiq). So I've gained that knowledge on IP cameras, DVR systems and how it all comes together. It's fun work and always a challenge. Each location is different and thus, each location presents its own unique challenges. I still cannot stand working downtown Chicago.

My cancer is called Basal cell carcinoma. It's a skin cancer that slowly eats away at the upper layers of skin. Some years ago, I had a golf ball sized patch on my back removed. They removed a half inch all around, pulled the skin together and used staples to hold it in place. A month or so after that, I was declared cancer free, and boy.. Hearing those words.. I cannot describe that feeling at all.
A few years ago, it all came back with a vengeance. I have it in various places on my body, and knowing how they "cure" it (cutting out the infected skin), I'm just not up for that. On my arms, legs, the sides of my eye sockets (both), behind my ears and my nips.
Doc said they could cut it out, but chances are, it will come back again. At that point, I gave up on fighting it, which added to my depression in a horrendous way.
I ask about medications, like chemotherapy, and am told it wouldn't work for me, which leaves me questioning that whole diagnoses. Talk about stress, right?

To further things, I am starting to get arthritis in both my hands.

I won't bullshit any of you, it's not easy dealing with all this, and often I do want to just give up and kill myself. Those thoughts haunt me daily. This year, I've tried hanging myself twice. The first time, the rope snapped. The 2nd time, I doubled up on the rope, and that too snapped, and I hit the floor hard enough to see stars. There was a third time, but common sense talked me out of it.

I do not believe in God, but feel there IS something. The 2 times the rope broke, well, it shouldn't have. I keep thinking my mother is watching over me, or perhaps I have a purpose in this life yet to be discovered.

My cat saved my life a couple years ago when I was going to put one of my throwing knives in my heart. I drew blood, and she meowed loudly, jumped on me, and truth be told, I broke down crying like never before. She (Kayla) is still with me, and trust me, I spoil her rotten. She too is watching out for me.

I know I don't need to disclose any of this, but by talking about it, it does help me, and I hope it prevents any more stupidity.

Not too bright for someone with an high IQ.

I guess, HOPE, by sharing this, it will show people that their own lives are not bad at all. And I hope I can learn something from all this and maybe better myself.

What have I learned from all this?

Life is only as difficult as you make it.

Besides, I am not done with my C64 stuff. While I have made a name, I want to be KNOWN like my friend PAL. The mere mention of his name, and people can visualize his works. How awesome is that? I want that, and I refuse to leave this world until I accomplish that. So many inspiring people in this world.

Thanks for listening. I feel like this is one of my journal entries. And I apologize for taking any time away from you.

One thing remains clear to me.. C64 folk are amazing people. Each with a story to tell, and while we might not like that story, others may. This is a step for me. I hardly ever share anything about me, or my struggles, but I do know I told my story in a place of understanding.

Thank you.
2019-09-01 23:24
Romppainen

Registered: Apr 2008
Posts: 36
I can feel you, for many reasons and in many levels. For some people life seem to be constant shit and it is nowhere proven that it will ever get any easier, with new troubles piling up faster than old ones can be solved, and only options are to keep living it anyway or to just give up. It is hope for something better, even just a short moment of brightness in the middle of all the darkness, that keeps us going on instead of just dropping a mic. Stay strong, mate, and all the best.
2019-09-02 00:09
Six

Registered: Apr 2002
Posts: 229
Eric man, it takes a lot of courage to lay yourself bare to the world like that. You'll always have a friend here.
2019-09-02 00:49
Burning Horizon

Registered: Jan 2002
Posts: 3
Hey Eric,
It pains me to read all of this, but it explains a lot, so please don't apologize! Thanks for being brave and hanging in there for us, we all appreciate it. As Six says above, you have a friend here too - you have a lot of friends.
Take care man,
-Mark
2019-09-02 00:59
cadaver

Registered: Feb 2002
Posts: 1121
Thanks for sharing, it had to take serious guts!

Paraphrasing Deicide, "we all are mentally unstable, and that gives us our sound"

I'd be more suspicious of anyone who would claim to be totally stable, especially when continuing to tinker with an old machine like the C64 :)
2019-09-02 10:19
HOL2001

Registered: Aug 2005
Posts: 52
Wish you all the best!
2019-09-02 11:30
Jammer

Registered: Nov 2002
Posts: 838
Stay strong, m8! You'll always be greeted in my intros :)
2019-09-02 17:27
Joe

Registered: Apr 2002
Posts: 165
Powerful to express oneself about one's life and downsides!

Be clear-sighted and make sure every moment is the best thing that has ever happened.

Don't compare yourself to others and don't put so much effort into how you think others see you.
Don’t be afraid. Don’t think of how you wish for a career or leave an imprint and something else.
Let go of the affects.

Be yourself and it will go far longer than you dare to believe!
Each day is imprint on not only memory but every other person you meet.
Each meeting a imprint, all colorful.

It is the utter most important moment everyone can look forward to – every day.
Fight!
2019-09-03 21:22
Oswald

Registered: Apr 2002
Posts: 4436
see, csdb is a community and not a friggin DB :P

<3 for Phantom.
2019-09-03 22:36
ZeSmasher

Registered: Feb 2003
Posts: 347
keep strong Ze Phantom! I'm the king of all idiots, so you are not alone dude.
besides the sad things you wrote it was cool to read about your cat who saved your life. let's make a demo about it, ehmm... :)
2019-09-05 10:24
Papademos

Registered: Jan 2011
Posts: 6
Thanks for sharing. <3
(Btw my fiancee is bipolar, so to some extent I know where you're coming from.)
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