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2003-10-24 18:21

Intensity
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Registered: May 2002
Posts: 337

Schizophrenia

Hi People!

Herewith I want to say sorry for my strange post about a hunger-strike some time ago, also for my weird behaviour towards the dutch group Xenon where I was in as musician.

Sander/Focus, Gerard Hultink: Please excuse my messages in which I declared Xenon as a dangerous group and that you should be aware of it's members.

The reason for this behaviour is that I fell ill. They call my illness "Schizophrenia", also "Psychosis", a disease which initiated a lot of paranoid thoughts in me. I also started to hear voices from my circle of acquaintances and to see hallicunations, like faces at the wall etc. Those voices and hallucinations ordered me to stay up the nights for about 4 months and to care about scene matters, among other things.

I have passed some months in hospital and I take several medicaments for about one year now. Things are going well, also have a job now.

I don't want you to have a pity on me, but I want the sceners especially those I bothered to excuse me.

Read more about my schizophrenia in Vandalism News #40 which was released recently.

http://c64.rulez.org/onslaught/vandalism40.zip

Yours,

Arman Behdad

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2003-11-18 21:01

Intensity
Account closed

Registered: May 2002
Posts: 337

Optimus : As long you don't talk to yourself like a granny with Alzheimer's disease, you are ok ! :P

It's not ill to work hardly on a computer or to get depressive or to feel empty after spending a lot of hours in front of the screen. These symptoms are normal. I have to rephrase : If you see things which aren't there in reality or if you hear voices while nobody is nearby you, and furthermore if those hallucunations COMMAND you to do anything, for example to get up nights and sit in front of the computer to do scene-related actions aso, then you have a big problem m8 :D.

There are many ways to get schizophrenic. It's not that delved yet. I have read a book about this illness and it said, that schizophrenia can break out because of stress, drugs or the gens, among others. I have to admit that every three points I have listed occured in my life. To be exactly, I had stress because someone attacked me on the street and gave me that a hard punch that my right face fractured (I have been operated in octobre this year, now I look good and can fuck some girls again :P), then I took drugs, i.e. smoked too much pot and grass, but I haven't took hard drugs. Last but not least there must be something with my gens since my brother also fell ill with schizophrenia years ago.

I have met a lot of people since I went to the hospital, and the MOST of the psychotics/schizophrenic got ill because they have taken drugs (LSD, Hash etc.). So be aware ! :)
I have also met someone who worked very hard before he came to the hospital, for days, without a pause, incidently he has drunken a few bottles of whine at the evening. I dunno, he had probs with his wife or something and has got a hardcore workaholic *giggle*. But if I remember right, his diagnostic wasn't schizophrenia, but depression. If you have a depression you can feel very low and a bit later you can get very euphoric.

Now let's talk about something positive, i.e. how I could fight me out of all this schizo shit... I have often prayed to god in the time of my psychosis and after the prayers my voices and optic hallucinations turned suddenly to good, telling me why I have got ill and how I can get out of it again. Really weird! But very precious!

A beautyful mind : Yeah, I have it on DVD. It's a great movie with a good playing Russel Crowe. I can't even think of it... Crowe got his illness (in the movie) in the 50's I think. Schizophrenic must have suffered twice like today in that time, because of those electroshocks for example.
I am happy that I live today!

Of course, you can write me if you have further questions.

Arman

2003-11-19 12:01

Celtic
Administrator

Registered: Jan 2002
Posts: 807

just a small note from someone who knows.

When you feel depressed and instants later you feel 'euphoric' or 'on top of the world' it is called Manic Despressions. Where you switch from one side to the other on no time. Sometimes you stay weeks in one state and then weeks in another, and sometimes days or minutes.

Depression is when you feel down, everything sucks to you, no energy, etc. Depression is nowadays the n.1 disease. 1 out of 4 people got it.
Talking helps, using you friends or therapy, it definatly helps.

2003-11-19 17:12

Intensity
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Registered: May 2002
Posts: 337

Word

2003-11-19 19:30

drake
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Registered: Dec 2002
Posts: 207

box man

2003-11-20 22:42

Optimus

Registered: Jan 2002
Posts: 122

About depression..

What do people really mean by saying depression? What is the right meaning? How does it feel really? And is it possible to be mentally depressed and not knowing it?

Everybody has it's up and downs, some more some less, some in some matters others in some others. Like little triggers that bring you up and down, in cases. I was walking and thinking. I am here in Karlsruhe and some weeks are very great (I never had such a real life and friends in Thessaloniki :P), some are the opposite. Like a feeling of void or depression, perhaps the reason is that I always feel like I can't help it with real life but perhaps it's just that I also need a girl badly (Yeah right). And down triggers are with girls too, I usually can't help it further even if she wants. And other things. Perhaps my lack of self-esteem too.

But I never felt that there is an illness behind my worries. My mind never gone to that. I thought it's a think that happens naturally. Sometimes I was thinking however to search about it. Would it be an excuse for me?

But the bad things are still here. Some other people are cooler with real life and girls. I can't make it. And not that my life in the scene is better. It was anxious and driven by wicked motivations..

I am sorry about the usual text, I don't want to make it Pouet here. Just came back from a bar and I just feel sad. Perhaps talk and some answers to the first questions might give me a hint..

p.s. I was using the word "depressed" for myself these weeks, beeing down and wondering, not thinking the illness but just the effect that looks like. In the site Atlantis Prophecy which link I found in Arman's article, I happen to read the article "The Love of Depression". It was written by a supposly mentally depressed person. She was angry that every people uses the word "depression" to describe the bad days he had when he fought with someone else and lost his girlfriend for example. And the other cases too. She said it's egomaniacs who want to get attention with that, pretending they are depressive, to hide their pitifull lifes, etc. I felt then like I was going to use the word for myself wrongly as she says. I appreciate what she wants to point because she is ill and I am just not feeling ill, even if it's like triggers (triggers of lack of self-esteem, inability to struggle with real life and others more deep). But things are still making me wonder. If something would ever change if I found a match with these people and the illness. :P Why have an illness as an excuse for my pityness? I never felt ill, it's just the struggle of life, but wouldn't that be a theoritical illness too? :(

2003-11-20 22:54

Optimus

Registered: Jan 2002
Posts: 122

And how can 1 at 4 be Manic Depressed, when it's supposed that depression is not everyone's excuse for having bad times, but only a small ammount of mentally depressed people? Why some site with a faq about depression from a clinic, used the word "depression" for everyone who has his times? (Everbody once in a lifetime was up and down said) Like it's not a special mental one that really few people have but a common thing? But it is supposed to be an illness? I really don't know, who is the depressed and who the egomaniac and where I am placed. Before that, I never thought that as an illness, rather than something bad but physical, to exist. It struggles me, but I won't think that I am ill since I never thought and it would be an excuse. But I still can't help it. Like beeing in the middle..

2003-11-20 23:46

White Flame

Registered: Sep 2002
Posts: 136

If the majority of people have something, doesn't it make it "normal"?

2003-11-21 06:05

drake
Account closed

Registered: Dec 2002
Posts: 207

most people arent depressive, but just a bit 'down'. i think that should be a better word. in dutch (my lang.) there is a huge difference between being depressive or only being down.

2003-11-21 23:39

Intensity
Account closed

Registered: May 2002
Posts: 337

Optimus: In Germany Depression is the No. 1 disease. Over 4 Million people have it here, we call it 'Volkskrankheit'.

I see a kind of unsureness in your last posts. You don't know whether you are ill or if you are still, let's call it -normal-, or if you need medical treatment or not. I don't know you, but I have made some experiences with the illness -depression- since I had a depressive phase before I finally got schizophrenia, and I have got to know a lot of depressive people in the hospital, and thus I can tell you something about it. As I said I have been depressive, too, but I wasn't just -down- and thought about why I haven't a girl (I have met already other known sceners who have this problem with girls, too!). Of course this attitude can be a symptom appearing before a depression starts, but under the illness depression I think of someone who either...

- sleeps all day and don't care about his life anymore (like hygienic, friendship aso.)
- or has regular times where (s)he is THAT down, that
(s)he has to cry a lot without any reason
- or suddenly has lost his interest for all (!) his former hobbies while there is no motivation at all to start ANYTHING new
- or has similar symptoms.

Please notice that it's the heart of a depressive person which is ill, while it's the mind of a schizophrenic person which has to be treated. I have a friend who is in the same age like me (I am 21). He is apparent as a bit of an aggressive person, who smoked once everyday joints and sit a lot in front of his computer and worked or had fun with it; now he drinks 5-6 bottles of beer a day and still works everyday a lot with his PC (fulltime). He says that he can "work" better when he drinks alcohol. Furthermore when I invite him to my place he tells me that he is afraid of the girls and other people outside who look at him in a strange way, and they don't like his lifestyle (!) while he knows that they don't know him at all. In my view his heart is ill and he is depressive!

Another example... I have got to know with a woman in the hospital where I was institutionalised. I could talk with her about a lot of things, she have been sympathetic and also did laugh like a normal person, but during two days in a week, she cried and wailed the whole day, without any reason.

These examples show what I understand of a real depression. But it does not mean that you, Optimus, aren't depressive, too, hehe. You never can't make it sure for 100% that you won't get depressive one time, but you can tackle the problem of why you are so sad sometimes. Just search for -Depression Volkskrankheit- with Google (non-german people can also search for Depression + Info, or + Depressive etc.) to get first information about this illness. Further you can also contact a psychotherapist near by you. The second option does mean that you grapple with your problems and that you possibly CAN get even more down than before, but this way you can get more sure about if you have an illness or not. Simple as that! :P

Dont care that much about that woman in the Atlantis-Site! Just follow your reason!

Since your handle is Optimus I believe that you will make it! :D

Arman

2006-01-13 08:47

Intensity
Account closed

Registered: May 2002
Posts: 337

Hey PPL!

Check out my article in the upcoming Vandalism News #46! There is a chapter about a wild dream I had in my schizophrenia period in spring 2004.

This illness has caused a lot of weird dreams which almost were like movies.

Have Phun!

Arman

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