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2003-10-24 18:21

Intensity
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Registered: May 2002
Posts: 337

Schizophrenia

Hi People!

Herewith I want to say sorry for my strange post about a hunger-strike some time ago, also for my weird behaviour towards the dutch group Xenon where I was in as musician.

Sander/Focus, Gerard Hultink: Please excuse my messages in which I declared Xenon as a dangerous group and that you should be aware of it's members.

The reason for this behaviour is that I fell ill. They call my illness "Schizophrenia", also "Psychosis", a disease which initiated a lot of paranoid thoughts in me. I also started to hear voices from my circle of acquaintances and to see hallicunations, like faces at the wall etc. Those voices and hallucinations ordered me to stay up the nights for about 4 months and to care about scene matters, among other things.

I have passed some months in hospital and I take several medicaments for about one year now. Things are going well, also have a job now.

I don't want you to have a pity on me, but I want the sceners especially those I bothered to excuse me.

Read more about my schizophrenia in Vandalism News #40 which was released recently.

http://c64.rulez.org/onslaught/vandalism40.zip

Yours,

Arman Behdad

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2006-01-14 18:26

Krill

Registered: Apr 2002
Posts: 2970

Quote: So basically what you're saying is that you'll be much happier if you win a demo compo with the group you founded yourself, than join an already-famous group and win with them? ;-)

Exactly. :D

2006-01-14 19:12

Oswald

Registered: Apr 2002
Posts: 5086

happyness is when you constantly hit your fingers with a hammer and then suddenly miss it.

2006-01-15 13:57

Intensity
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Registered: May 2002
Posts: 337

I have to say that my joining of Onslaught and Cosine and my nickchange from Arman into Intensity was because I heared voices and saw signs that wanted me to do so. I don't know if it was made out of intuition or inspiration, i.e. some higher existence that wanted me to do so, or if it was caused just by my schizophrenia and the illness itself. Personally I think it was the first one, as I think there is a will of some higher existence that I am in Cosine and that TMR/Cosine has suggested me to change my nick into Intensity. But I don't know why yet. Maybe the start of a good scene-career? I dunno :D. I have seen fucking lot of those signs yet, reaching from voices and angels telling me which girlfriends I will get in the future, up to sentences and phrases I see when I close my eyes telling me which job-related career waits for me in the future. In general I part voices and hallicunations into two categories: Those that have their roots from the devil, and those who have their roots from god. I am a believing person, and thus I can benefit from things I see if I follow the signs from god, and ignore the signs from the devil.

I am writing on an autobiography these days including all my visions and things I have seen since I was 17 when those visions started. Maybe I will release an english version anywhere.

I don't see my illness as a plain schizophrenia, I see it as an adventure.

About the Dreams Chapter in Vandalism News: It is of course somehow scene-related, so no offtopic stuff. And I hope you will like it. I would like to write about my dreams in this magazine regulary if you want. But would you like to read about non-scene-related dreams in a c64-magazine at all? Would be nice to get some feedback from you.

Arman

2006-01-30 18:46

-
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Registered: Jan 2006
Posts: 9

Wow. I am also classified as having "Psychosis: Paranoid Schitzophrenia" and having "Paranoid thinking-world" (hard to translate from finnish).

But the difference to your story, I have not and do not see or hear any hallucinations or voices other than what my ears receive .. I mean, I am not deaf, but I don't hear any 'extra' voices. Sometimes I have wished some contact in higher realms, but nowadays that would be a scary thing to happen, because my shink would definitely hold it against me and take it as a sign of insanity, even if it was some higher being actually contacting me. So I prefer not to have such contacts in my waking hours.

Anyway, I am just writing this to say that I understand you somewhat - I mean, I carry those labels that you carry .. of course I can't know what it must be like to hear voices or see hallucinations or such. And as you said you understand the existence of the Love in Cosmos .. which you call 'god', I have some other names for it. But you can always ask for protection .. praying really works!

The annoying point in my case is that I do not think I am paranoid, I do not think I am schitzophrenic and I do not think I am in psychosis. What happened was that I have always had a high temper .. and then I got depression, which lasted like from 2001 or 2002 until now, I am still not totally out of it .. and at one point my temper got really bad, I exploded verbally to my mother and also threw her things, like cups and plates on the wall so that they broke. And stuff like that. But I would call it just emotional imbalance, not really a psychosis, since my mind still works and I don't receive any 'orders' from any voices or anything like that. To me, my problem has always been emotional imbalance or something like that.

In my viewpoint the 'good guys' don't really give orders, only suggestions, perhaps. Since they respect the free will that we have.

It's amazing how many people these days are labelled schitzophrenics, with or without reason. The medicalization is expanding all the time, it's a huge business and as we know businesses have a way of expanding all the time ..

I am taking Zyprexa .. one every night. I don't like taking it because it kind of suppresses my creativity and makes me less able to think, ponder and invent things to talk about and to come up with clever puns and stuff - I used to be good at that, now I cannot do that at all.

Anyway, I wish you have everything under control and that you are blessed and feel good.

Sincerely,

- Monk

2006-01-30 21:49

_V_
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Registered: Jan 2002
Posts: 124

It's all basic statistics, people. We interact in large numbers, which eventually establishes an average form of behaviour as the "norm". Imagine a Gaussian curve or bell curve on behaviour per adult, and you wil have a nice peak around the whole "let's get a partner, a house with all the trimmings and make a family" thing. Which is unsurprising, as it's a biological given that adults want to build a nest and reproduce. And to this end, they will suck up and refuse to display their deviant behaviour (as far as they have it).

Around that peak are variations on that theme and the further you move away, the larger those variations become, the more deviant mental behaviour is brought forward. For the record, I'm not using deviant as a misnomer, merely as "behaviour deviating from the statistical norm".

We cannot discriminate behaviour - each of them has a right to exist and is of equal value. It's just that some behaviours only appear for a few hundred people, and others for billions. It's that difference which may cause the few to feel insignificant with respect to the masses. It will force them to prove themselves over and over again, or be absorbed in the system dictated by superiority in numbers.

Conversely, the masses may not conclude that a behaviour practised by only a few individuals is acceptable. They may think that these individuals are "ill" and must be "cured", aka bent to fit to the norm. Just think about mass murderers - in their mind, their murders are perfectly acceptable and thus they behave accordingly.

Of course, the bell curve changes over time - as society and technology changes, other forms of conduct become the norm and the peak shifts. Simple example: before, people would think something was wrong with you if you were talking to yourself. These days, nobody really cares, as the first reaction usually is, "oh, he/she is probably using a cell phone".

It's sad, but that's how it appears to work. Oh well :).

2006-01-30 23:26

Tch
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Registered: Sep 2004
Posts: 512

Very nicely put,_V_! 8)

I am not an expert on ´mental´-drugs.
But I do oppose them.
´Normal´ is STUPID,and I don´t think it should be human´s goal in life.
Real (lethal) violance ought to be treated,though.
But like Monk´s ´case´,drugs will only deprive him off who he is.
He must be frustrated of loosing something he was once very good at.
Probably feels like a zombie,at times...

Medication means MONEY for a lot of people.
Think twice before you become a JUNKIE (to act `normal`). ;)

2006-01-31 00:49

_V_
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Registered: Jan 2002
Posts: 124

Thanks Tch :). I would recommend anyone interested in this to play any Silent Hill game on PlayStation 2. The makers of that game used the psychological theory behind mental constructions and recorded dialogues with several mental patients to create a world "as would be seen through the eyes of such persons". Some really bizarre stuff. There is a beautiful plot analysis of that on gamefaqs.com, when you played one of these games, I'd highly recommend reading it - it really changed my view about the game, and on how a person thinks.

In fact, what was really scary is the conclusion that such mental deviations are easily triggered, even for "normal" persons. Shaking someone's beliefs, a depression, a setback in life - either of these appears to be enough to enter a spiral of highly deviant thoughts.

Believe it or not, but I once read a very interesting passage in a comic book (of all places :). "Every man* chases a star, representing his ultimate dreams, his deepest wishes. When that star, for whatever reason, fades away, he will die. On the other hand, if he manages to reach that star, he will be frozen for all eternity. It is very important, my friend, that the chase never ends".

I thought that was pretty deep - it's true, too. I love physics with a passion. Now suppose that string theory *is* the ultimate theory, explaining everything. Then physics will be over. What will I do? Can I find a new purpose in life**?

Highly intriguing.

*: or woman, of course. I'm quoting the comic here.
**: my personal solution to this problem is to jump to mathematics, which is able to describe more than just the real world :).

2006-01-31 11:41

SIDWAVE
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Registered: Apr 2002
Posts: 2238

About meds, they are for me, absolutely nessecary!

If I don't take ZYPREXA, the sounds i hear get louder, 2-3 energyfields start to struggle inside my whole body, and this releases a giant amount of REAL physical pain. Like being electricuted!

Some days the meds don't quite work enough, and I get very bad and my mind jumbles between millions of lines of CODE, and I see pictures from all over the universe.

Funny as this was at first, it is NOT healthy or good in any way - it makes me totally unable to do anything.

So, if you are skizofrenic, TAKE YOUR MEDS!

:)

2006-01-31 12:28

Intensity
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Registered: May 2002
Posts: 337

I have to take medicines too. FLUANXOL, AMISULPRID and ATOSIL.

I take FLUANXOL and AMISULPRID against the voices and visual hallicunations, and it helps me a lot! If I would not take them, I would be awake all nights and care about illuminati-, scene- and internet-matters. The voices really FORCE me to stay up at nights radically, i.e. when I don't want to get up from the bed even if they say I should, I see horror pictures in front of me and I see dreams forcing me to get up. For me, there is no way around medicaments.

ATOSIL is for my anxiety states, also a must.

Without medicaments I can't care about anything else in life, nor friends, contacts, girlfriend, parents, neither work, education etc.

2006-01-31 12:34

Frantic

Registered: Mar 2003
Posts: 1647

Nice to hear that medication works (even though I guess they might have some undesirable side effects too? ...as monk hinted at.)

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