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2003-10-24 18:21

Intensity
Account closed

Registered: May 2002
Posts: 337

Schizophrenia

Hi People!

Herewith I want to say sorry for my strange post about a hunger-strike some time ago, also for my weird behaviour towards the dutch group Xenon where I was in as musician.

Sander/Focus, Gerard Hultink: Please excuse my messages in which I declared Xenon as a dangerous group and that you should be aware of it's members.

The reason for this behaviour is that I fell ill. They call my illness "Schizophrenia", also "Psychosis", a disease which initiated a lot of paranoid thoughts in me. I also started to hear voices from my circle of acquaintances and to see hallicunations, like faces at the wall etc. Those voices and hallucinations ordered me to stay up the nights for about 4 months and to care about scene matters, among other things.

I have passed some months in hospital and I take several medicaments for about one year now. Things are going well, also have a job now.

I don't want you to have a pity on me, but I want the sceners especially those I bothered to excuse me.

Read more about my schizophrenia in Vandalism News #40 which was released recently.

http://c64.rulez.org/onslaught/vandalism40.zip

Yours,

Arman Behdad

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2003-11-18 13:59

Optimus

Registered: Jan 2002
Posts: 122

>>They say it is healthy to talk with yourself

This makes me smile :) My close environment always blamed me that it's not good!

I was going to write you an email yesterday but perhaps I could discuss some things here..

You said in the article: "If you feel anxious and depressed while sitting a lot of hours in front of the computer" and I was wondering what is really the connection of that with schizophrenia. I can think of 3 things: 1) people who work so hard and anxiously are more likely to develop Schizophrenia, 2) It's a sign of Schizophrenia, 3) If someone is already schizophrenic because of his genes, hard work and anxiety can just trigger up his illness.

Also, I think schizophrenia is a genetical illness, isn't it? It's about the genes, some have it some will never have it. Or could it be developed on some people too? Or could it be hidden and show up later I guess?

I had seen the movie "A beautifull mind" about a schizophrenic mathematician (a real person and story) who was really anxious and hard working developing his own math theories. He got an imaginery friend telling him to get a grip, among with a lot of other imaginations anyways :)

But about that "hard, anxious working, depression with computers" is interesting for me to learn what it's connection with schizophrenia could be. It's my main question..

2003-11-18 19:14

White Flame

Registered: Sep 2002
Posts: 136

re: seeing faces in things and such, I think it's a sign of a healthy imagination and a creative mind, when it just startles your for an instant, then you realize what it really is. I was into a lot of art stuff when I was in high school, and when I'd look at my room at night whilst half-asleep and see the shadows from a tree cast over the folds in the blanket make a freaky image or something, it was interesting to see why that combination of light and shadow evoked a semi-recognizable image, then try to learn the same sort of outlining or shading tricks as a skill in creating pictures in art class. For somebody whose brain is more narrow-scoped and doesn't see multiple impossible combinations in an image, they'd never get the benefit of learning different ways that things can be expressed visually.

2003-11-18 20:50

drake
Account closed

Registered: Dec 2002
Posts: 207

i lived with a guy who has pdd/nos and another guy who isn't schizo but has a heavy kind of adhd. another guy also has voices in his head, kinda freaky. i only knew it from the usage of drugs like speed and paddo's. i think its hard to imagine whats happening to the person(s) who has this. also hard to understand intensity if you don't know him well.

2003-11-18 21:01

Intensity
Account closed

Registered: May 2002
Posts: 337

Optimus : As long you don't talk to yourself like a granny with Alzheimer's disease, you are ok ! :P

It's not ill to work hardly on a computer or to get depressive or to feel empty after spending a lot of hours in front of the screen. These symptoms are normal. I have to rephrase : If you see things which aren't there in reality or if you hear voices while nobody is nearby you, and furthermore if those hallucunations COMMAND you to do anything, for example to get up nights and sit in front of the computer to do scene-related actions aso, then you have a big problem m8 :D.

There are many ways to get schizophrenic. It's not that delved yet. I have read a book about this illness and it said, that schizophrenia can break out because of stress, drugs or the gens, among others. I have to admit that every three points I have listed occured in my life. To be exactly, I had stress because someone attacked me on the street and gave me that a hard punch that my right face fractured (I have been operated in octobre this year, now I look good and can fuck some girls again :P), then I took drugs, i.e. smoked too much pot and grass, but I haven't took hard drugs. Last but not least there must be something with my gens since my brother also fell ill with schizophrenia years ago.

I have met a lot of people since I went to the hospital, and the MOST of the psychotics/schizophrenic got ill because they have taken drugs (LSD, Hash etc.). So be aware ! :)
I have also met someone who worked very hard before he came to the hospital, for days, without a pause, incidently he has drunken a few bottles of whine at the evening. I dunno, he had probs with his wife or something and has got a hardcore workaholic *giggle*. But if I remember right, his diagnostic wasn't schizophrenia, but depression. If you have a depression you can feel very low and a bit later you can get very euphoric.

Now let's talk about something positive, i.e. how I could fight me out of all this schizo shit... I have often prayed to god in the time of my psychosis and after the prayers my voices and optic hallucinations turned suddenly to good, telling me why I have got ill and how I can get out of it again. Really weird! But very precious!

A beautyful mind : Yeah, I have it on DVD. It's a great movie with a good playing Russel Crowe. I can't even think of it... Crowe got his illness (in the movie) in the 50's I think. Schizophrenic must have suffered twice like today in that time, because of those electroshocks for example.
I am happy that I live today!

Of course, you can write me if you have further questions.

Arman

2003-11-19 12:01

Celtic
Administrator

Registered: Jan 2002
Posts: 807

just a small note from someone who knows.

When you feel depressed and instants later you feel 'euphoric' or 'on top of the world' it is called Manic Despressions. Where you switch from one side to the other on no time. Sometimes you stay weeks in one state and then weeks in another, and sometimes days or minutes.

Depression is when you feel down, everything sucks to you, no energy, etc. Depression is nowadays the n.1 disease. 1 out of 4 people got it.
Talking helps, using you friends or therapy, it definatly helps.

2003-11-19 17:12

Intensity
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Registered: May 2002
Posts: 337

Word

2003-11-19 19:30

drake
Account closed

Registered: Dec 2002
Posts: 207

box man

2003-11-20 22:42

Optimus

Registered: Jan 2002
Posts: 122

About depression..

What do people really mean by saying depression? What is the right meaning? How does it feel really? And is it possible to be mentally depressed and not knowing it?

Everybody has it's up and downs, some more some less, some in some matters others in some others. Like little triggers that bring you up and down, in cases. I was walking and thinking. I am here in Karlsruhe and some weeks are very great (I never had such a real life and friends in Thessaloniki :P), some are the opposite. Like a feeling of void or depression, perhaps the reason is that I always feel like I can't help it with real life but perhaps it's just that I also need a girl badly (Yeah right). And down triggers are with girls too, I usually can't help it further even if she wants. And other things. Perhaps my lack of self-esteem too.

But I never felt that there is an illness behind my worries. My mind never gone to that. I thought it's a think that happens naturally. Sometimes I was thinking however to search about it. Would it be an excuse for me?

But the bad things are still here. Some other people are cooler with real life and girls. I can't make it. And not that my life in the scene is better. It was anxious and driven by wicked motivations..

I am sorry about the usual text, I don't want to make it Pouet here. Just came back from a bar and I just feel sad. Perhaps talk and some answers to the first questions might give me a hint..

p.s. I was using the word "depressed" for myself these weeks, beeing down and wondering, not thinking the illness but just the effect that looks like. In the site Atlantis Prophecy which link I found in Arman's article, I happen to read the article "The Love of Depression". It was written by a supposly mentally depressed person. She was angry that every people uses the word "depression" to describe the bad days he had when he fought with someone else and lost his girlfriend for example. And the other cases too. She said it's egomaniacs who want to get attention with that, pretending they are depressive, to hide their pitifull lifes, etc. I felt then like I was going to use the word for myself wrongly as she says. I appreciate what she wants to point because she is ill and I am just not feeling ill, even if it's like triggers (triggers of lack of self-esteem, inability to struggle with real life and others more deep). But things are still making me wonder. If something would ever change if I found a match with these people and the illness. :P Why have an illness as an excuse for my pityness? I never felt ill, it's just the struggle of life, but wouldn't that be a theoritical illness too? :(

2003-11-20 22:54

Optimus

Registered: Jan 2002
Posts: 122

And how can 1 at 4 be Manic Depressed, when it's supposed that depression is not everyone's excuse for having bad times, but only a small ammount of mentally depressed people? Why some site with a faq about depression from a clinic, used the word "depression" for everyone who has his times? (Everbody once in a lifetime was up and down said) Like it's not a special mental one that really few people have but a common thing? But it is supposed to be an illness? I really don't know, who is the depressed and who the egomaniac and where I am placed. Before that, I never thought that as an illness, rather than something bad but physical, to exist. It struggles me, but I won't think that I am ill since I never thought and it would be an excuse. But I still can't help it. Like beeing in the middle..

2003-11-20 23:46

White Flame

Registered: Sep 2002
Posts: 136

If the majority of people have something, doesn't it make it "normal"?

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