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Intensity
Account closed
Registered: May 2002
Posts: 337 |
Schizophrenia
Hi People!
Herewith I want to say sorry for my strange post about a hunger-strike some time ago, also for my weird behaviour towards the dutch group Xenon where I was in as musician.
Sander/Focus, Gerard Hultink: Please excuse my messages in which I declared Xenon as a dangerous group and that you should be aware of it's members.
The reason for this behaviour is that I fell ill. They call my illness "Schizophrenia", also "Psychosis", a disease which initiated a lot of paranoid thoughts in me. I also started to hear voices from my circle of acquaintances and to see hallicunations, like faces at the wall etc. Those voices and hallucinations ordered me to stay up the nights for about 4 months and to care about scene matters, among other things.
I have passed some months in hospital and I take several medicaments for about one year now. Things are going well, also have a job now.
I don't want you to have a pity on me, but I want the sceners especially those I bothered to excuse me.
Read more about my schizophrenia in Vandalism News #40 which was released recently.
http://c64.rulez.org/onslaught/vandalism40.zip
Yours,
Arman Behdad
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Steppe
Registered: Jan 2002
Posts: 1510 |
Hey Arman, take it easy. I guess almost everybody hardly remembers those strange postings back then. Nice to see you feel better now, hope to hear some new and nice sid tunes from you again. :-) |
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TDJ
Registered: Dec 2001
Posts: 1879 |
But .. but .. Xenon *is* a dangerous group :)
Seriously though Arman, I think it's very brave of you to explain your behaviour. Thumbs up. |
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dalezy
Registered: Apr 2002
Posts: 476 |
a serious advice from someone who maybe knows better than the rest in here how you felt. stay away from books that seem more interesting than anything else, if you're a bit weak-minded. =)
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Jazzcat
Registered: Feb 2002
Posts: 1044 |
Yes, it takes more of a stronger person to openly discuss a problem so thumbs up Arman!
Mind you, I wouldn't have expected anything else from an Onslaught'er, our group is built on strengths ;)
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CreaMD
Registered: Dec 2001
Posts: 3053 |
Your experience is very moving. Good to see you back and strong. |
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Intensity
Account closed
Registered: May 2002
Posts: 337 |
Quote: a serious advice from someone who maybe knows better than the rest in here how you felt. stay away from books that seem more interesting than anything else, if you're a bit weak-minded. =)
Oh I had experiences with books, too! Like seeing markings in the bible and in a book about programming :P... But I've kept the time I have spent reading those books within limits.
Dalezy, have you experience with schizophrenia or why are you talking like this? If yes, we can found a c64-group and invite psychotics to join us, hehe. I thought of "Schizophrenia Designs" or "Psycho Developments" as the name :D.
Arman |
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CreaMD
Registered: Dec 2001
Posts: 3053 |
;-) Then someone could also establish Kinky Developments or Gay Designs I would join (out of solidarity). Anyway Arman, how about submitting a tune to Sid Compo III? at c64.sk ;-) |
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T.M.R
Account closed
Registered: Dec 2001
Posts: 749 |
Kinky Developments... i'm not going to say anything. Nope. Not at all...! =-) |
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Intensity
Account closed
Registered: May 2002
Posts: 337 |
Quote: ;-) Then someone could also establish Kinky Developments or Gay Designs I would join (out of solidarity). Anyway Arman, how about submitting a tune to Sid Compo III? at c64.sk ;-)
Guess... I am already working on one. :) |
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Dane
Account closed
Registered: May 2002
Posts: 421 |
And if you're starting a group like that I'm definitely joining. I could never stick to doing just one thing. |
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dalezy
Registered: Apr 2002
Posts: 476 |
arman, let's put it like this, when i read your story i found it pretty familiar. (leave out alone the illuminati part, that's too much of psychic fashion for me =)
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WVL
Registered: Mar 2002
Posts: 899 |
Nice to hear you're doing ok again!
hope the problems will stay away for good now! + I hope a lot of good tunes and other stuff will follow... We'll kick ass again sometime! |
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Hate Bush
Registered: Jul 2002
Posts: 462 |
Quote: ;-) Then someone could also establish Kinky Developments or Gay Designs I would join (out of solidarity). Anyway Arman, how about submitting a tune to Sid Compo III? at c64.sk ;-)
Gay Designs? Roman, I'm in. I mean... I'd like to join :D
(Oh and Arman, nice to see you back in perfect mental health. Hope we'll hear something new from you in two weeks time.) |
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drake
Account closed
Registered: Dec 2002
Posts: 207 |
the gay street boys...sound good too. ;-) |
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Intensity
Account closed
Registered: May 2002
Posts: 337 |
Quote: ;-) Then someone could also establish Kinky Developments or Gay Designs I would join (out of solidarity). Anyway Arman, how about submitting a tune to Sid Compo III? at c64.sk ;-)
Hey CreaMD, as you can see, there ARE interested persons who wants to join your new (gay) group, which is no wonder in a scene with a few girls and a bunch of horny c64 users. :P
So be careful with the soap since there are showers at scene parties! ;)
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CreaMD
Registered: Dec 2001
Posts: 3053 |
Quote: Hey CreaMD, as you can see, there ARE interested persons who wants to join your new (gay) group, which is no wonder in a scene with a few girls and a bunch of horny c64 users. :P
So be careful with the soap since there are showers at scene parties! ;)
Always Ready is my second name.
...creamed ;-))
(But, don't tell it to my fiancee!! ;-) |
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Puterman
Account closed
Registered: Jan 2002
Posts: 188 |
Always ready to drop the soap, eh? I'll keep that in mind. |
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CreaMD
Registered: Dec 2001
Posts: 3053 |
Yeah but my ass curently belongs someone completely else. Anyway I already have alternative gay group running behind the scenes. It's called Turbo64 - The Ultimate Retro Bonkers 64. But in order to be a member of the group you will have to make your own homepage with downloads of your old demos (or preferably downloads of not your old demos, or even better downloads of your favourite old games). Other important rules for the membership are that you must be inactive C64 user, you must not produce anything for C64 except of the C64 related websites, C64 flash sites, C64 related mp3 remixes and other C64 related garbage. Btw. I think I will take the whole Ironstone Partners in as a honorable members into Turbo64 coz so far they have released a lot of C64 related stuff which conforms the rules of our big and ever-growing group. ;-) |
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Shake
Posts: 133 |
Quote: Hey CreaMD, as you can see, there ARE interested persons who wants to join your new (gay) group, which is no wonder in a scene with a few girls and a bunch of horny c64 users. :P
So be careful with the soap since there are showers at scene parties! ;)
can't wait to see your first GAYMO |
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drake
Account closed
Registered: Dec 2002
Posts: 207 |
pch/unreal and sad/padua are definately in creamd's group ;-) together showering, making gaymo's....wow!!
the scene will be as kinky as never before!!! |
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T.M.R
Account closed
Registered: Dec 2001
Posts: 749 |
Must... resist... the urge... to post!! [runs away giggling =-] |
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Intensity
Account closed
Registered: May 2002
Posts: 337 |
Quote: Always Ready is my second name.
...creamed ;-))
(But, don't tell it to my fiancee!! ;-)
ROFL :D !!
This will be an evergreen for a magazine/webzine chapter with the name "Best Forum Posts Ever" ;).
Shake: GAYMO, LOL!! Actually there was one little Fakemo with converted gay porn pics at c64.sk to download.
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Intensity
Account closed
Registered: May 2002
Posts: 337 |
I couldn't trust my eyes when I have seen this...
http://creamd.swellserver.com/news/top_stories/outwithbang.php
Creamd! Change your handle and add an "e"!
ROFL |
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Optimus
Registered: Jan 2002
Posts: 122 |
I use to talk a lot with myself. I even do it while walking alone in the road (It's more feelingful here in Germany, since no soul is out after 8:00). I like this and don't regret it. Many of my actions are quite unpredictable. I could normally look like a psychotic but that wouldn't be the truth I think..
I have never heard voices (only some strange noices yesterday while I was playing bakti.net with my headphones at full), while faces appearing to me are just constant games of my brain (Afteralls, my new room here in Karlsruhe is painted with very random strokes that could be easilly misinterpreted) which then automatically are interpreted in explainable facts. I do like when this happens for a while, giving me little scares and then letting me explain how some lights or colors made me think so.
I always loved to read weird things, paranormal stories and insane writers (Like Strange Egnarts stuff, however most of my friends say it's bullshit but I don't really care, since I never told them I want to read something serious :P) but I never really had any paranormal experiences in my life, even if I'd like sometimes to (other times, I am just afraid a little). Perhaps it's just my serious interpretation filters of reality. Anyways..
Optimus
P.S. And my famous threads on Pouet must be a lot more insane that anything Arman might have written in here anyways :)
P.P.S. His article on VN40 was very interesting to me though. My favoritest read from the issue. At the beginning, it was so crazy that I thought it was a joke but then I was hooked..
P.P.P.S. I do feel anxious and depressed while sitting a lot of times in front of my computer though. Perhaps I should just avoid taking my (inexistant) scene activities so seriously.. |
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Intensity
Account closed
Registered: May 2002
Posts: 337 |
Maybe you'll find two post about the same topic from me. After I have written and submitted one post I couldn't see my post in the topic! Maybe it takes some time until a post gets public because of problems with CSDB.
Sorry again...
To the Sysop : If you see my both posts about the same topic, please remove one! Thanks
Arman |
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Intensity
Account closed
Registered: May 2002
Posts: 337 |
They say it is healthy to talk with yourself. Furthermore it isn't bad to see reflections of something at the wall like weird faces etc. as long as they are looking harmless and you know how they came about.
In my case they neither were harmless looking nor did I knew how they came about! :) They were full of grim and evil which was quite eerie. Looking this way they always warned me that something will happen when I don't follow the commands of my voices and other hallucinations. They looked like grimmy army officers! ;)
Having a little paranoia or seeing/hearing hallucinations now and then (I emphasize now and then, i.e. about one to three times in a lifetime!) is normal. Getting a bit nervous or paranoid of reading weird books is also normal I think, it's sometimes like a little natural kick you get.
Well, I watched the movie "23" and started to run around in my city (Wiesbaden) and our neighbour city (Frankfurt a.m.) being convinced to find anything paranormal or someone interesting to talk about the number "23" and all the world and his wife. I don't say that I wasn't successful, but about 85% of those outdoor-actions were complete paranoia. It's quite strange to me that I have got similar "commands" in terms of voices and optic hallicunations like the medias create "subliminal messages" for the population.
Maybe you want check
http://people.uleth.ca/~vokey/pdf/Submess.pdf
for informations about Subliminal Messages
or
http://www.heise.de/tp/deutsch/html/result.xhtml?url=/tp/deutsc..
about the same topic in german.
There you'll also find informatinos about the TV displaying subliminal messages in a fraction of a second and also a weird technique how to fold a 20 dollar note till you can see a burning WTC and a burning Pentagon on the back.
I have discovered those subliminal messages in the german TV for several times for years. Since those messages were very similar to the "commands" i have got and still get, it was no wonder that I have found the messages in the TV. I was "trained" somehow in the time of my psychosis. In a fraction of a second I see words and sentences on a blank wall or when I close my eyes, like "go OUT" or "Read this and that" aso. Anyone who love the movie "23" or stories about the illuminati, will love those links! ;P
Arman
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Intensity
Account closed
Registered: May 2002
Posts: 337 |
ah, now it worked! Fine! Something with the links...
Arman |
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Optimus
Registered: Jan 2002
Posts: 122 |
>>They say it is healthy to talk with yourself
This makes me smile :) My close environment always blamed me that it's not good!
I was going to write you an email yesterday but perhaps I could discuss some things here..
You said in the article: "If you feel anxious and depressed while sitting a lot of hours in front of the computer" and I was wondering what is really the connection of that with schizophrenia. I can think of 3 things: 1) people who work so hard and anxiously are more likely to develop Schizophrenia, 2) It's a sign of Schizophrenia, 3) If someone is already schizophrenic because of his genes, hard work and anxiety can just trigger up his illness.
Also, I think schizophrenia is a genetical illness, isn't it? It's about the genes, some have it some will never have it. Or could it be developed on some people too? Or could it be hidden and show up later I guess?
I had seen the movie "A beautifull mind" about a schizophrenic mathematician (a real person and story) who was really anxious and hard working developing his own math theories. He got an imaginery friend telling him to get a grip, among with a lot of other imaginations anyways :)
But about that "hard, anxious working, depression with computers" is interesting for me to learn what it's connection with schizophrenia could be. It's my main question.. |
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White Flame
Registered: Sep 2002
Posts: 136 |
re: seeing faces in things and such, I think it's a sign of a healthy imagination and a creative mind, when it just startles your for an instant, then you realize what it really is. I was into a lot of art stuff when I was in high school, and when I'd look at my room at night whilst half-asleep and see the shadows from a tree cast over the folds in the blanket make a freaky image or something, it was interesting to see why that combination of light and shadow evoked a semi-recognizable image, then try to learn the same sort of outlining or shading tricks as a skill in creating pictures in art class. For somebody whose brain is more narrow-scoped and doesn't see multiple impossible combinations in an image, they'd never get the benefit of learning different ways that things can be expressed visually. |
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drake
Account closed
Registered: Dec 2002
Posts: 207 |
i lived with a guy who has pdd/nos and another guy who isn't schizo but has a heavy kind of adhd. another guy also has voices in his head, kinda freaky. i only knew it from the usage of drugs like speed and paddo's. i think its hard to imagine whats happening to the person(s) who has this. also hard to understand intensity if you don't know him well. |
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Intensity
Account closed
Registered: May 2002
Posts: 337 |
Optimus : As long you don't talk to yourself like a granny with Alzheimer's disease, you are ok ! :P
It's not ill to work hardly on a computer or to get depressive or to feel empty after spending a lot of hours in front of the screen. These symptoms are normal. I have to rephrase : If you see things which aren't there in reality or if you hear voices while nobody is nearby you, and furthermore if those hallucunations COMMAND you to do anything, for example to get up nights and sit in front of the computer to do scene-related actions aso, then you have a big problem m8 :D.
There are many ways to get schizophrenic. It's not that delved yet. I have read a book about this illness and it said, that schizophrenia can break out because of stress, drugs or the gens, among others. I have to admit that every three points I have listed occured in my life. To be exactly, I had stress because someone attacked me on the street and gave me that a hard punch that my right face fractured (I have been operated in octobre this year, now I look good and can fuck some girls again :P), then I took drugs, i.e. smoked too much pot and grass, but I haven't took hard drugs. Last but not least there must be something with my gens since my brother also fell ill with schizophrenia years ago.
I have met a lot of people since I went to the hospital, and the MOST of the psychotics/schizophrenic got ill because they have taken drugs (LSD, Hash etc.). So be aware ! :)
I have also met someone who worked very hard before he came to the hospital, for days, without a pause, incidently he has drunken a few bottles of whine at the evening. I dunno, he had probs with his wife or something and has got a hardcore workaholic *giggle*. But if I remember right, his diagnostic wasn't schizophrenia, but depression. If you have a depression you can feel very low and a bit later you can get very euphoric.
Now let's talk about something positive, i.e. how I could fight me out of all this schizo shit... I have often prayed to god in the time of my psychosis and after the prayers my voices and optic hallucinations turned suddenly to good, telling me why I have got ill and how I can get out of it again. Really weird! But very precious!
A beautyful mind : Yeah, I have it on DVD. It's a great movie with a good playing Russel Crowe. I can't even think of it... Crowe got his illness (in the movie) in the 50's I think. Schizophrenic must have suffered twice like today in that time, because of those electroshocks for example.
I am happy that I live today!
Of course, you can write me if you have further questions.
Arman
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Celtic
Administrator
Registered: Jan 2002
Posts: 807 |
just a small note from someone who knows.
When you feel depressed and instants later you feel 'euphoric' or 'on top of the world' it is called Manic Despressions. Where you switch from one side to the other on no time. Sometimes you stay weeks in one state and then weeks in another, and sometimes days or minutes.
Depression is when you feel down, everything sucks to you, no energy, etc. Depression is nowadays the n.1 disease. 1 out of 4 people got it.
Talking helps, using you friends or therapy, it definatly helps.
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Intensity
Account closed
Registered: May 2002
Posts: 337 |
Word |
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drake
Account closed
Registered: Dec 2002
Posts: 207 |
box man |
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Optimus
Registered: Jan 2002
Posts: 122 |
About depression..
What do people really mean by saying depression? What is the right meaning? How does it feel really? And is it possible to be mentally depressed and not knowing it?
Everybody has it's up and downs, some more some less, some in some matters others in some others. Like little triggers that bring you up and down, in cases. I was walking and thinking. I am here in Karlsruhe and some weeks are very great (I never had such a real life and friends in Thessaloniki :P), some are the opposite. Like a feeling of void or depression, perhaps the reason is that I always feel like I can't help it with real life but perhaps it's just that I also need a girl badly (Yeah right). And down triggers are with girls too, I usually can't help it further even if she wants. And other things. Perhaps my lack of self-esteem too.
But I never felt that there is an illness behind my worries. My mind never gone to that. I thought it's a think that happens naturally. Sometimes I was thinking however to search about it. Would it be an excuse for me?
But the bad things are still here. Some other people are cooler with real life and girls. I can't make it. And not that my life in the scene is better. It was anxious and driven by wicked motivations..
I am sorry about the usual text, I don't want to make it Pouet here. Just came back from a bar and I just feel sad. Perhaps talk and some answers to the first questions might give me a hint..
p.s. I was using the word "depressed" for myself these weeks, beeing down and wondering, not thinking the illness but just the effect that looks like. In the site Atlantis Prophecy which link I found in Arman's article, I happen to read the article "The Love of Depression". It was written by a supposly mentally depressed person. She was angry that every people uses the word "depression" to describe the bad days he had when he fought with someone else and lost his girlfriend for example. And the other cases too. She said it's egomaniacs who want to get attention with that, pretending they are depressive, to hide their pitifull lifes, etc. I felt then like I was going to use the word for myself wrongly as she says. I appreciate what she wants to point because she is ill and I am just not feeling ill, even if it's like triggers (triggers of lack of self-esteem, inability to struggle with real life and others more deep). But things are still making me wonder. If something would ever change if I found a match with these people and the illness. :P Why have an illness as an excuse for my pityness? I never felt ill, it's just the struggle of life, but wouldn't that be a theoritical illness too? :( |
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Optimus
Registered: Jan 2002
Posts: 122 |
And how can 1 at 4 be Manic Depressed, when it's supposed that depression is not everyone's excuse for having bad times, but only a small ammount of mentally depressed people? Why some site with a faq about depression from a clinic, used the word "depression" for everyone who has his times? (Everbody once in a lifetime was up and down said) Like it's not a special mental one that really few people have but a common thing? But it is supposed to be an illness? I really don't know, who is the depressed and who the egomaniac and where I am placed. Before that, I never thought that as an illness, rather than something bad but physical, to exist. It struggles me, but I won't think that I am ill since I never thought and it would be an excuse. But I still can't help it. Like beeing in the middle.. |
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White Flame
Registered: Sep 2002
Posts: 136 |
If the majority of people have something, doesn't it make it "normal"? |
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drake
Account closed
Registered: Dec 2002
Posts: 207 |
most people arent depressive, but just a bit 'down'. i think that should be a better word. in dutch (my lang.) there is a huge difference between being depressive or only being down. |
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Intensity
Account closed
Registered: May 2002
Posts: 337 |
Optimus: In Germany Depression is the No. 1 disease. Over 4 Million people have it here, we call it 'Volkskrankheit'.
I see a kind of unsureness in your last posts. You don't know whether you are ill or if you are still, let's call it -normal-, or if you need medical treatment or not. I don't know you, but I have made some experiences with the illness -depression- since I had a depressive phase before I finally got schizophrenia, and I have got to know a lot of depressive people in the hospital, and thus I can tell you something about it. As I said I have been depressive, too, but I wasn't just -down- and thought about why I haven't a girl (I have met already other known sceners who have this problem with girls, too!). Of course this attitude can be a symptom appearing before a depression starts, but under the illness depression I think of someone who either...
- sleeps all day and don't care about his life anymore (like hygienic, friendship aso.)
- or has regular times where (s)he is THAT down, that
(s)he has to cry a lot without any reason
- or suddenly has lost his interest for all (!) his former hobbies while there is no motivation at all to start ANYTHING new
- or has similar symptoms.
Please notice that it's the heart of a depressive person which is ill, while it's the mind of a schizophrenic person which has to be treated. I have a friend who is in the same age like me (I am 21). He is apparent as a bit of an aggressive person, who smoked once everyday joints and sit a lot in front of his computer and worked or had fun with it; now he drinks 5-6 bottles of beer a day and still works everyday a lot with his PC (fulltime). He says that he can "work" better when he drinks alcohol. Furthermore when I invite him to my place he tells me that he is afraid of the girls and other people outside who look at him in a strange way, and they don't like his lifestyle (!) while he knows that they don't know him at all. In my view his heart is ill and he is depressive!
Another example... I have got to know with a woman in the hospital where I was institutionalised. I could talk with her about a lot of things, she have been sympathetic and also did laugh like a normal person, but during two days in a week, she cried and wailed the whole day, without any reason.
These examples show what I understand of a real depression. But it does not mean that you, Optimus, aren't depressive, too, hehe. You never can't make it sure for 100% that you won't get depressive one time, but you can tackle the problem of why you are so sad sometimes. Just search for -Depression Volkskrankheit- with Google (non-german people can also search for Depression + Info, or + Depressive etc.) to get first information about this illness. Further you can also contact a psychotherapist near by you. The second option does mean that you grapple with your problems and that you possibly CAN get even more down than before, but this way you can get more sure about if you have an illness or not. Simple as that! :P
Dont care that much about that woman in the Atlantis-Site! Just follow your reason!
Since your handle is Optimus I believe that you will make it! :D
Arman
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Intensity
Account closed
Registered: May 2002
Posts: 337 |
Hey PPL!
Check out my article in the upcoming Vandalism News #46! There is a chapter about a wild dream I had in my schizophrenia period in spring 2004.
This illness has caused a lot of weird dreams which almost were like movies.
Have Phun!
Arman |
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Sander
Registered: Jan 2002
Posts: 493 |
Arman: no offence taken.
But let's face it, the average scener is great food for psychiatrists. I bet most of us have a story.
Which is ok really. |
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Krill
Registered: Apr 2002
Posts: 2970 |
I wonder what the reason for that is. Are people with mental illnesses more attracted to nerdy activities and scenes, or does the very same hobby turn people mentally ill? Or does it just seem to us as if among our fellow sceners, the percentage of mental problems is higher than society's average? Discussion please. :D |
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Style
Registered: Jun 2004
Posts: 498 |
Quote: Arman: no offence taken.
But let's face it, the average scener is great food for psychiatrists. I bet most of us have a story.
Which is ok really.
I dont :( |
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dalezy
Registered: Apr 2002
Posts: 476 |
Quote: I wonder what the reason for that is. Are people with mental illnesses more attracted to nerdy activities and scenes, or does the very same hobby turn people mentally ill? Or does it just seem to us as if among our fellow sceners, the percentage of mental problems is higher than society's average? Discussion please. :D
as a wise person once put it, the scene makes people bipolar. just watch pouet as a good example of communication and interaction and you will see an increasing rate of people who struggle not being manic all the time.
then again, that certain wise person could have been wrong and those who he thought might suffer from certain mental weakness are just actors trying to socialize in a very, very, odd way. |
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Graham
Account closed
Registered: Dec 2002
Posts: 990 |
I met more maniac people in real life than in scene. In most cases it's not obvious though, since people hide themselves behind their good manners and stuff like that. |
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Monte Carlos
Registered: Jun 2004
Posts: 358 |
did somebody watch a "beautiful mind"?
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Tch
Account closed
Registered: Sep 2004
Posts: 512 |
I think everybody is weird,one way or the other.
But ´normal´ people are by far the strangest I´ve met.
I find it hard to connect, when it´s all about TV,kids,cars and football. ;) |
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chatGPZ
Registered: Dec 2001
Posts: 11360 |
i'm the only normal person, everyone else is insane. |
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Wile Coyote
Account closed
Registered: Mar 2004
Posts: 646 |
I have ups and downs and can be obsessive at times, always thinking about the same thing. This can be a good thing if used in the right way, and a bad thing if it gets out of control. When i used to ride a BMX, it was all i could think about. All day at school thinking about the end of it just so i could hit the local BMX track and meet with others that were always at the BMX track, thus making them like me. Then theres music, i get to like a new band and i have to have all their albums, otherwise things just don't feel right. Then there's the c64, my pictures, drawing one picture and always thinking about the next one (i've stopped that now, took over 10 years though). Making movies is the new drug for me, when will it ever end, oh the torcher. Thats life i guess ;) |
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Optimus
Registered: Jan 2002
Posts: 122 |
Intensity: Great, that would be interesting for me to read!
As about normality, my brother started to beleive that everyone around his place has gone nuts and now he feels more "normal" than the average ;)
An important reason that breeds depression is the fact that we are unable to reach what is called happiness, which is actually a very subjective idea, made up into our brains as we've grown up. At least that's my theory.. |
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Wanderer
Account closed
Registered: Apr 2003
Posts: 478 |
*hands out copious amounts of Paxil and Xanax to the room*
:) |
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Slartibartfast
Account closed
Registered: Jul 2002
Posts: 230 |
Quote: *hands out copious amounts of Paxil and Xanax to the room*
:)
That's not funny. |
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Laxity
Registered: Aug 2005
Posts: 459 |
Quote: I think everybody is weird,one way or the other.
But ´normal´ people are by far the strangest I´ve met.
I find it hard to connect, when it´s all about TV,kids,cars and football. ;)
I know EXACTLY how you feel..
In fact I find the term "normal" annoying, too abstract and too narrow.. "Normal" is just an avarage of "everything"... It's like downsampling a 44Khz song to 8Khz.. It's the same music, but it sounds like crap.
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Moloch
Registered: Jan 2002
Posts: 2925 |
Quote: i'm the only normal person, everyone else is insane.
Copyright (C) Moloch!!1!
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Krill
Registered: Apr 2002
Posts: 2970 |
Quote: Intensity: Great, that would be interesting for me to read!
As about normality, my brother started to beleive that everyone around his place has gone nuts and now he feels more "normal" than the average ;)
An important reason that breeds depression is the fact that we are unable to reach what is called happiness, which is actually a very subjective idea, made up into our brains as we've grown up. At least that's my theory..
I once read that happiness is determined by the difference of what you expect to what you actually achieve. A simple example for that are poor people who more or less get accidentally rich are most probably much happier than somebody who is a kid of rich parents, getting richer and richer throughout his life, but always being envious of even richer people.
So never expect too much! :D |
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TDJ
Registered: Dec 2001
Posts: 1879 |
Quote: I once read that happiness is determined by the difference of what you expect to what you actually achieve. A simple example for that are poor people who more or less get accidentally rich are most probably much happier than somebody who is a kid of rich parents, getting richer and richer throughout his life, but always being envious of even richer people.
So never expect too much! :D
So basically what you're saying is that you'll be much happier if you win a demo compo with the group you founded yourself, than join an already-famous group and win with them? ;-) |
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Optimus
Registered: Jan 2002
Posts: 122 |
Mmm,. I guess I have to agree with both :)
It's nice and relaxing doing small stuff but much more greater if it was ever possible to achieve something extremely hard. At least, when I put a very big scene project anymore, I have said to myself to be aware of my vainglory behind that and just not take my decision much seriously, perhaps I can even accept to abandon my big project later and use my finished code for smaller projects ;). I am open for both options I guess. (the perfectionist but lazy guy ;P)
Also, about normal/average: http://www.rawilson.com/csicon.shtml which is a funny parody of CSICOP and has a nice analysis of why "normal" doesn't make any sense :) |
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Krill
Registered: Apr 2002
Posts: 2970 |
Quote: So basically what you're saying is that you'll be much happier if you win a demo compo with the group you founded yourself, than join an already-famous group and win with them? ;-)
Exactly. :D |
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Oswald
Registered: Apr 2002
Posts: 5086 |
happyness is when you constantly hit your fingers with a hammer and then suddenly miss it. |
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Intensity
Account closed
Registered: May 2002
Posts: 337 |
I have to say that my joining of Onslaught and Cosine and my nickchange from Arman into Intensity was because I heared voices and saw signs that wanted me to do so. I don't know if it was made out of intuition or inspiration, i.e. some higher existence that wanted me to do so, or if it was caused just by my schizophrenia and the illness itself. Personally I think it was the first one, as I think there is a will of some higher existence that I am in Cosine and that TMR/Cosine has suggested me to change my nick into Intensity. But I don't know why yet. Maybe the start of a good scene-career? I dunno :D. I have seen fucking lot of those signs yet, reaching from voices and angels telling me which girlfriends I will get in the future, up to sentences and phrases I see when I close my eyes telling me which job-related career waits for me in the future. In general I part voices and hallicunations into two categories: Those that have their roots from the devil, and those who have their roots from god. I am a believing person, and thus I can benefit from things I see if I follow the signs from god, and ignore the signs from the devil.
I am writing on an autobiography these days including all my visions and things I have seen since I was 17 when those visions started. Maybe I will release an english version anywhere.
I don't see my illness as a plain schizophrenia, I see it as an adventure.
About the Dreams Chapter in Vandalism News: It is of course somehow scene-related, so no offtopic stuff. And I hope you will like it. I would like to write about my dreams in this magazine regulary if you want. But would you like to read about non-scene-related dreams in a c64-magazine at all? Would be nice to get some feedback from you.
Arman |
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Account closed
Registered: Jan 2006
Posts: 9 |
Wow. I am also classified as having "Psychosis: Paranoid Schitzophrenia" and having "Paranoid thinking-world" (hard to translate from finnish).
But the difference to your story, I have not and do not see or hear any hallucinations or voices other than what my ears receive .. I mean, I am not deaf, but I don't hear any 'extra' voices. Sometimes I have wished some contact in higher realms, but nowadays that would be a scary thing to happen, because my shink would definitely hold it against me and take it as a sign of insanity, even if it was some higher being actually contacting me. So I prefer not to have such contacts in my waking hours.
Anyway, I am just writing this to say that I understand you somewhat - I mean, I carry those labels that you carry .. of course I can't know what it must be like to hear voices or see hallucinations or such. And as you said you understand the existence of the Love in Cosmos .. which you call 'god', I have some other names for it. But you can always ask for protection .. praying really works!
The annoying point in my case is that I do not think I am paranoid, I do not think I am schitzophrenic and I do not think I am in psychosis. What happened was that I have always had a high temper .. and then I got depression, which lasted like from 2001 or 2002 until now, I am still not totally out of it .. and at one point my temper got really bad, I exploded verbally to my mother and also threw her things, like cups and plates on the wall so that they broke. And stuff like that. But I would call it just emotional imbalance, not really a psychosis, since my mind still works and I don't receive any 'orders' from any voices or anything like that. To me, my problem has always been emotional imbalance or something like that.
In my viewpoint the 'good guys' don't really give orders, only suggestions, perhaps. Since they respect the free will that we have.
It's amazing how many people these days are labelled schitzophrenics, with or without reason. The medicalization is expanding all the time, it's a huge business and as we know businesses have a way of expanding all the time ..
I am taking Zyprexa .. one every night. I don't like taking it because it kind of suppresses my creativity and makes me less able to think, ponder and invent things to talk about and to come up with clever puns and stuff - I used to be good at that, now I cannot do that at all.
Anyway, I wish you have everything under control and that you are blessed and feel good.
Sincerely,
- Monk
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_V_
Account closed
Registered: Jan 2002
Posts: 124 |
It's all basic statistics, people. We interact in large numbers, which eventually establishes an average form of behaviour as the "norm". Imagine a Gaussian curve or bell curve on behaviour per adult, and you wil have a nice peak around the whole "let's get a partner, a house with all the trimmings and make a family" thing. Which is unsurprising, as it's a biological given that adults want to build a nest and reproduce. And to this end, they will suck up and refuse to display their deviant behaviour (as far as they have it).
Around that peak are variations on that theme and the further you move away, the larger those variations become, the more deviant mental behaviour is brought forward. For the record, I'm not using deviant as a misnomer, merely as "behaviour deviating from the statistical norm".
We cannot discriminate behaviour - each of them has a right to exist and is of equal value. It's just that some behaviours only appear for a few hundred people, and others for billions. It's that difference which may cause the few to feel insignificant with respect to the masses. It will force them to prove themselves over and over again, or be absorbed in the system dictated by superiority in numbers.
Conversely, the masses may not conclude that a behaviour practised by only a few individuals is acceptable. They may think that these individuals are "ill" and must be "cured", aka bent to fit to the norm. Just think about mass murderers - in their mind, their murders are perfectly acceptable and thus they behave accordingly.
Of course, the bell curve changes over time - as society and technology changes, other forms of conduct become the norm and the peak shifts. Simple example: before, people would think something was wrong with you if you were talking to yourself. These days, nobody really cares, as the first reaction usually is, "oh, he/she is probably using a cell phone".
It's sad, but that's how it appears to work. Oh well :). |
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Tch
Account closed
Registered: Sep 2004
Posts: 512 |
Very nicely put,_V_! 8)
I am not an expert on ´mental´-drugs.
But I do oppose them.
´Normal´ is STUPID,and I don´t think it should be human´s goal in life.
Real (lethal) violance ought to be treated,though.
But like Monk´s ´case´,drugs will only deprive him off who he is.
He must be frustrated of loosing something he was once very good at.
Probably feels like a zombie,at times...
Medication means MONEY for a lot of people.
Think twice before you become a JUNKIE (to act `normal`). ;) |
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_V_
Account closed
Registered: Jan 2002
Posts: 124 |
Thanks Tch :). I would recommend anyone interested in this to play any Silent Hill game on PlayStation 2. The makers of that game used the psychological theory behind mental constructions and recorded dialogues with several mental patients to create a world "as would be seen through the eyes of such persons". Some really bizarre stuff. There is a beautiful plot analysis of that on gamefaqs.com, when you played one of these games, I'd highly recommend reading it - it really changed my view about the game, and on how a person thinks.
In fact, what was really scary is the conclusion that such mental deviations are easily triggered, even for "normal" persons. Shaking someone's beliefs, a depression, a setback in life - either of these appears to be enough to enter a spiral of highly deviant thoughts.
Believe it or not, but I once read a very interesting passage in a comic book (of all places :). "Every man* chases a star, representing his ultimate dreams, his deepest wishes. When that star, for whatever reason, fades away, he will die. On the other hand, if he manages to reach that star, he will be frozen for all eternity. It is very important, my friend, that the chase never ends".
I thought that was pretty deep - it's true, too. I love physics with a passion. Now suppose that string theory *is* the ultimate theory, explaining everything. Then physics will be over. What will I do? Can I find a new purpose in life**?
Highly intriguing.
*: or woman, of course. I'm quoting the comic here.
**: my personal solution to this problem is to jump to mathematics, which is able to describe more than just the real world :). |
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SIDWAVE
Account closed
Registered: Apr 2002
Posts: 2238 |
About meds, they are for me, absolutely nessecary!
If I don't take ZYPREXA, the sounds i hear get louder, 2-3 energyfields start to struggle inside my whole body, and this releases a giant amount of REAL physical pain. Like being electricuted!
Some days the meds don't quite work enough, and I get very bad and my mind jumbles between millions of lines of CODE, and I see pictures from all over the universe.
Funny as this was at first, it is NOT healthy or good in any way - it makes me totally unable to do anything.
So, if you are skizofrenic, TAKE YOUR MEDS!
:) |
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Intensity
Account closed
Registered: May 2002
Posts: 337 |
I have to take medicines too. FLUANXOL, AMISULPRID and ATOSIL.
I take FLUANXOL and AMISULPRID against the voices and visual hallicunations, and it helps me a lot! If I would not take them, I would be awake all nights and care about illuminati-, scene- and internet-matters. The voices really FORCE me to stay up at nights radically, i.e. when I don't want to get up from the bed even if they say I should, I see horror pictures in front of me and I see dreams forcing me to get up. For me, there is no way around medicaments.
ATOSIL is for my anxiety states, also a must.
Without medicaments I can't care about anything else in life, nor friends, contacts, girlfriend, parents, neither work, education etc.
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Frantic
Registered: Mar 2003
Posts: 1647 |
Nice to hear that medication works (even though I guess they might have some undesirable side effects too? ...as monk hinted at.) |
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Hate Bush
Registered: Jul 2002
Posts: 462 |
"´Normal´ is STUPID,and I don´t think it should be human´s goal in life.
Real (lethal) violance ought to be treated,though."
If you're deviant, you don't necessarily need to be explicitly wrong & nasty to hurt someone. Just think about people closely related to you, especially your wife and children (if you have them, that is). If you truly love'em, you will most probably undergo a 'curing' treatment at your own request. It's easy to shout out "FUCK THE SYSTEM AND THE MASSES, I AM WHO I AM!" when you have no one to care about.
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Cruzer
Registered: Dec 2001
Posts: 1048 |
Remember that "laughter is the best medicine". Unless you have a real disease of course, in that case it might be a good idea to do what the doctor says. |
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Linus
Registered: Jun 2004
Posts: 639 |
Word, Randall! |
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Tch
Account closed
Registered: Sep 2004
Posts: 512 |
I didn´t mean to hurt anyone,just expressing my thoughts.
Ofcourse some people have to take their medicines.
And I am happy to see,that it helps people live their lives a bit easier.
But what I find very disturbing is how easily children are labeled autistic/hyper-active/etc. and put onto medication.
I have Aspergers Syndrom (´autism-light´) and I am pretty much on my own,most of the time.
And that is actually the way I like it.
Visiting people (including family) is something I rarely do.
I am a very boring person and I don´t want to bore the rest too much. ;) |
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drake
Account closed
Registered: Dec 2002
Posts: 207 |
my 2 brothers-in-law do have adhd (hyper active) and if they don't take their medicine they are so fucking hyper you can't handle them. on the other side, with these heavy medicines they can't do stuff like driving a car. so there are practical problems too.
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Intensity
Account closed
Registered: May 2002
Posts: 337 |
Quote: I didn´t mean to hurt anyone,just expressing my thoughts.
Ofcourse some people have to take their medicines.
And I am happy to see,that it helps people live their lives a bit easier.
But what I find very disturbing is how easily children are labeled autistic/hyper-active/etc. and put onto medication.
I have Aspergers Syndrom (´autism-light´) and I am pretty much on my own,most of the time.
And that is actually the way I like it.
Visiting people (including family) is something I rarely do.
I am a very boring person and I don´t want to bore the rest too much. ;)
Just visit me one time here in Wiesbaden, I don't think you will bore me than and that we can have good time! :D
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Intensity
Account closed
Registered: May 2002
Posts: 337 |
Quote: Nice to hear that medication works (even though I guess they might have some undesirable side effects too? ...as monk hinted at.)
The things I take have thanks to god no side effects. I am very well attuned to those medicaments. But I had to go through a hard time to achieve that, almost tried every psychotropics there is and passed about 16 months (in all) in hospital.
However, I have never given up myself. I never had a suicide attempt, a lot of bolstering friends and familiy visited me in the hospital and I never have given up hope to be 100% healthy one time again. Think positive! That's my "secret recipe" :D The result of my attitude were that most of my hardest symptoms were killed through alternative treatmeant like praying, believing etc. Where there's a will there's a way I'd say. Even if I had nearly EVERYTHING you can have in this Schizophrenia illness.
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Tristan
Account closed
Registered: Jan 2004
Posts: 52 |
I took Zyprexa for a little while. Not for Schizo but for mood-disorder. This drug has recently been banned in the states, I think. go google cuz I am lazy and in a bad mood.
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TDJ
Registered: Dec 2001
Posts: 1879 |
There was this girl on Dutch television last week who had 7 voices in their head with their own personalities, constantly discussing matters with her and eachother .. at the end she said that, although they made things rather hard sometimes, she would never want to miss them. Real brave girl to speak out like that in the open. Just like Arman is real brave to speak out here. |
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Intensity
Account closed
Registered: May 2002
Posts: 337 |
Thanks Marco! :D
Well, I have no problems in being opened about my matter al all. There more ppl know about it, the more I can discuss about it and I can learn from it. And the fastest I can get rid of this illness, the better. And I am 100% sure that I will be completley healthy one time.
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