| | The Phantom
Registered: Jan 2004
Posts: 360 |
Release id #136731 : Dork!
Thought on it for a while... I haven't lost respect for your art.
We all deal with things JSL. My outlet is coding, and lately, drawing/pixels. It helps me with the daily stresses. I don't talk about my condition in my works, it's not fair to those who view it, or admire it even.
It's my opinion that there are people in the world that suffer far greater than any one of us. We'd like to help, but we can only do so much. Your disease/illness is CURABLE. Stop with your pity, move on, CHANGE. Nobody can do that but YOU.
When I release something, honestly, I don't look at those ratings. I mostly look at how many times it was downloaded and any comments, but ratings? Never. I don't release stuff for ratings and I can't imagine a time when I ever cared. I just liked my craft, which always changes and improves.
I've learned to take negative comments and turn them positive. That is a lifelong venture and a constant challenge. Why? I'm also bi-polar, and have an explosive personality disorder. I used to get very upset at everyone, all the time. This is beyond understanding. It can be controlled with medicine, so long as I like walking and living the life of a zombie, literally. I don't.
I have allergies too. I swell when I eat MSG. If that wasn't enough, various/random parts of my body swell (except where it would count;) ).
I have plant allergies, spring is killer. Like flu season for me.
Man...
So I avoid the MSG, but sometimes, meh. I'll tolerate swelling up for some chinese food.
I continue my life, even with these things. I love, FUCKING LOVE fishing. We walk a mile, through the woods, my allergies exploding. I march on.
I wear a long sleeved shirt in July these years. Just to avoid the sun. Sometimes, I wear shorts and high socks, but again, sometimes I just say to hell with it. Mistake? Yep (cancer growing in a few places, have to get it cut off) That's all they do really, is cut it off and sew the skin back. Again, meh.
I have a couple cysts growing too. One on my left wrist. All it is is a back up of fluid. They drain it, it grows back. One on my foot too (luckily the top of it). They don't hurt, just awkward.
What I've learned from this?
Life's too fucking short man. I'm only 46. I'll be lucky to see 55. I cared for a little while. Almost let it ruin me, but (one more time), Meh.
Life is too short, period. Can't make it not matter.
I'm not leaving this Earth until I leave my mark. Until the world knows and respects me. My digital creations will live longer and that can boggle the mind if you let it, hehe. I've often wondered too, if I have left my mark.
I'd like to think I have. In both my worlds. The one I live, and this one, my Computer world.
You have gained a lot of respect with your artwork, you've made a mark. It will live longer.
To hell with rankings man.
I don't compare my code to anybodies code. It's foolish.
My art? Compared to? I like to think my style is my own.
Point is, doesn't matter.
I won't pity you. There are others in worse condition.
We've learned to deal with it and live our lives again, you will too.
Don't make your pixels suffer, it's not fair to your fans.
Life's too short indeed. |
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| | Jammer
Registered: Nov 2002
Posts: 1335 |
If JSL is really in depression. I attended therapy for depression in my worst moments but it quickly turned out it's strictly about developmental problems - raised only by mother, lack of respect, raised self evaluation in relation to parents etc. True and deep depression is an awful state - nothing will translate to you and all that one can see is a colourful otherworld inside the noose and relief after death. Difference between suicidal thoughts of depressive person and the one stuck in his/her teens is straightforward ;) Second case is more about attention you will receive after your own death - you imagine relatives crying after you and similar things, how people are going to miss you.
I suspect that, apart from physical damage, JSL suffers the latter, as I do, but cannot yet position himself in more convenient place - where he can look at himself objectively and honestly. And realize that nobody is to blame in most situations and for sure not him - feeling of self guilt is not more of use than self pitying. Besides, I see my another thing here. He's a sheer sadist ;) He likes this state - swimming in his own shit, doing nothing to fix things and destroying every chance of going further. AM I FUCKIN' RIGHT?
Sorry for this confession but I guess JSL can only listen to another guy who thinks in not that distant way. |
| | Isildur
Registered: Sep 2006
Posts: 275 |
Organic cure for depression, 100% working: 5-htp
Make sure it's Puritan's Pride product.
Second: B-100 vitamin complex.
Tested by myself. |
| | Jammer
Registered: Nov 2002
Posts: 1335 |
Yeah, but are antidepressants the only way? |
| | The Phantom
Registered: Jan 2004
Posts: 360 |
I suffer the occasional bout with depression too. While I like to stay positive about my condition, it DOES sometimes catch up and you see/feel just how short everything is, and all the wonderful things in this world you've yet to experience, that you probably won't get to.
My entire point was there is a time and place for it. Releasing something for the sake of getting low ratings is FUCKING STUPID, not depression.
I've no idea why this upsets me as much as it does, but it does. Weekly pity party for JSL because he obviously can't understand HOW to improve his work, just his whining.
I know a few people here that can attest to my attitude back in the day. One of my best friends in the world got me a sign, and gave it to me a couple DECADES ago... It simply reads:
Eric's Rules
Rule #1 - Eric is always right.
Rule #2 - If Eric is wrong, see rule #1.
I still have that sign. It hangs on my wall, where I can see it. It reminds me of a person that once was, and a person I never want to be again. It was a hard lesson to learn and I never knew I acted that way until that moment in time.
I stopped drinking when that same friend gave me a hat that read "Instant Asshole, just add alcohol". I don't know where that hat is today, but do miss it ;)
I guess it's easier for some to sit around and wait for death to come get them, all the while doing nothing to improve the situation, just mope around in your own self pity, until it's too late to do anything. That's my story in a nutshell. Had I went to a doctor 10 years before, I could have had a normal life, instead, I did nothing. I let the growth get bigger and bigger and bigger.
I know depression and I know it well. We're close friends. I fall into a depression twice a year. Once on my mothers birthday, and again during Christmas (august/december). It's almost like a nervous breakdown really, with the crying and shaking and inability to control any emotion. It's a time I don't look forward to, but yet, look forward to. While I don't care for the emotional stresses, it does give me time to reflect on one particularly wonderful person and all that she has done for me. So I make something good happen from that event.
Depression is different for everyone, yeah. I know this. It doesn't sound at all like depression, more like a pity party. The release itself says that, screams it. Look what I drew, come down-vote it..
I am so done looking at anything with JSL attached to it.
That is all the pity I can muster. |
| | plagueis
Account closed
Registered: Dec 2007
Posts: 48 |
@Phantom: really? |
| | JSL
Registered: Aug 2003
Posts: 56 |
ThePhantom: So I am not improving, my contacts getting all the latest PNGs say GREAT scenes, remember that picture for Flashback party which got No.1, I have also Nature 2,3,4 done, and look cool, the latest pictures don't reach the db, I just do a selection out of my 600 unreleased graphics for upload, mostly crap result it seems. It is most best pictures I reserve for demos or party's, and are piled up on this pc, I know that I tried other pixeltechnics, and the last years even lame rasterbars for the skies which does not look good, even Witchcraft for the X-2004 was great looking, and it seems I got worser in pixeling than years before. But still remember many unreleased 2014 works like Creepy Old House or Moonforest, or Vietnam, or Sofia's Gift where I am proud on. Even put much effort in Doublescreeners, like before The Settlers etc. So I don't know HOW to improve and am better in whining, I wanted to drop here an offensive bad word for you, but I don't, everyone has their problems in life. And when you don't like my graphics then don't watch them, this is a free database, if you dislike my gfx, then go away from CSDb. I recall that you liked the logos much I did for your groups, but now it seems I own disrespect and you hate me. Will see what future brings in new graphics, the comments from you demotivate me and from others but there are also those who like my stuff. I keep going with C64, because I like to pixel, but if many say this place is nothing for me, must find another C64 Database then, tough. ;) |
| | Matt
Registered: Apr 2002
Posts: 598 |
JSL:
Sigh, sigh, sigh, double sigh, fucking triple sigh
you just don't get it don't you you stubborn bastard :-/ |
| | Matt
Registered: Apr 2002
Posts: 598 |
oh,
did you really not get anything The Phantom was trying to explain to you?
you just don't seem to get that right now, nobody gives a flying fuck about your pixels but everybody cares about your mental health!! you stupid ignorant stubborn idiot.
And one more thing, which I noticed before. And now I may sound like a boring teacher but sleep & routine are important. You often post your messages in the week in the middle of the night. I bet you wake up around noone feeling sorry about yourself you yet wasted another half a day.
Grab yer shit together and do something about it before it's too god damn late! |
| | JSL
Registered: Aug 2003
Posts: 56 |
Matt: I don't get it? I have troubles in my life, and the only thing that I love is pixeling which is only thing left I live for, if I don't get it, what is wrong, get a Life JSL and take care of the health and stop pixeling? What can I do on half dead feet, broken knees, and a hurting leg, are you saying the same as the doctor with her wrong advise, even the diabetic nurse saying this, keep walking for more pain, and in the end heaps of money for new knees, ever tried walking on feet without a feeling while walking.. Or must I seek a psychiatrist, last December I spoke to him getting more a life, and seeing it all positive, with more enjoyment, no lies, what now.. Ask him for more medication and a lockup of being mentally ill since 1996 and I am nuts? If there is something else you want to say, like you want to scream STOP PIXELING you are a RETARD, then fuck you too. ;) |
| | JSL
Registered: Aug 2003
Posts: 56 |
Matt: Ok.. My mental health.. I am stabile for a long while, you don't know me at all, you can call my Psychiatrist in Netherlands and ask their oppinion, I get each two weeks a talk from the FACT, some mental organisation here, even MetGGZ does talk to me about heaps of things each week. Normal conversations. When I write about my problems, in for example Dork, then it got drama and I react, I never spoke about my problems, only the Diabetes2 in some Demo. There heaps other things I don't mention here, unlikely the whining of Panthom. Get a grip on my life, if you mean the Mental Illness, what I must suppose say to the FACT organisation, the Scene says I am ill, need an immediate lockup.. If you would advice, take care of the Diabetes, the Sugar is under control, glucosis under the 10, take strict the meds, and like said before, I dislike walking on these feet. When I did intensive walking with MetGGZ, myself to town, and visiting artlessons on foot, do some walk at my parents town, being on a diet, and you get a nurse telling, the Sugar is badly, the cholestrol is badly, the bloodpressure is badly, you don't have condition.. I thought at that point, damn, I go for my Health, and all was for nothing. Since then I stopped. The feet troubled, the knees, etc. and while I did a walk each day of one hour or more, lateron they said you must act, do three hours walking a day, and bike around the town ... it is I lost motivation, because I gave everything before, for nothing. About sleeping pattern, what is wrong with posting in the middle of the night, any law of your against that, I suffer sleepless nights, I tried sleepmedication but, even more tablets, which was out of the question, an overdose, didn't got me into sleep. And even when it did worked then when awake you're sleepy, tired, eyes closing, and wasn't nice. And still, you want me to say, deal with my Health, and reserve a place on the mental institute. People see me as an cheerfull honest person and telling them lies of being ill, psychotic, hallucations, which I never had etc.etc. is wrong. And ever been locked up Matt? they drug you down, with nasty side effects, in a seperate room, tied to a bed, and try meds after meds, and when you choke and your tongue goes inside, ooops try another one, getting spasm effects with your neck and arms, ooops try another one, getting in a coma sort of and you walk like a zombie and can't move, ooops try another one, and the endless drugging keeps going, and you do everything possible to commit suicide, to stop the madness... Or maybe you want me locked away, because I spam the database, with retard graphics, because here is no place for mental people..... |
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